Who I Am vs. Who Everyone Thinks I Am…
Who I Am:
I am a proud, strong Sikh woman. I made the decision long ago that my son would keep his hair. I enjoy going to the Gurudwara, and listening to kirtan, even though I do not understand what is being said. I am extremely embarrassed of my Punjabi, and want to improve immensely. I work 3 jobs in hopes that I can amount to the person I want to be. I also work to run away from feelings; which I believe are a waste of time, because I am so sick of getting hurt. I understand that “perfect” is an imaginary construct that my mind attempts to hold myself to. I starve, not for attention/affection/love, but for respect…and sometimes food. I do not believe in pretending to be someone I am not. I am upfront and refuse to baby anyone. I am insecure about my body, but also understand that I have a body some women would kill for. I try to make a joke out of every situation, because laughing is my way of dealing with everything. I strongly believe in independence and refuse to rely on anyone, but myself. It is nice, however, to have the opportunity to lean on someone from time to time. I am a nerd and a geek deep down; especially when it comes to Marvel comics. There are three things that always distract me; puppies, cars, and food. This quote has hit closest to describing how I feel about myself: “We are the daughters of the feminists who said, ‘You can be anything,’ and we heard, ‘You have to be everything.’ (Courtney Martin). I enjoy taking care of people, and that includes cooking and cleaning after them. Deep down I crave a fairy tale ending, but I truly believe that I’ll never have that.
Who Everyone Think I Am:
I am too American to care about being Punjabi or Sikh. My appearance is an accurate portrayal of my personality; meaning I am unintelligent, easy, and a bitch. I am always out of the house, and constantly hanging around boys. The fact that I did not become a lawyer/doctor/engineer is because I am not intelligent enough to become so. I do not have the ability to cook or clean or be a successful housewife. The fact that I have taken photos by a photographer means I am a model and/or have taken inappropriate photos. It also means I have nothing else to offer outside my appearance.
Who I Am Supposed to Be:
I am supposed to be the perfect Sikh woman. I am not supposed to cut my hair, but maintain my appearance to be somewhat attractive. In doing so, I should be wearing very minimal make-up. Career wise, I am to become a successful doctor/engineer/lawyer. In public, I should be humble, shy, quiet, and dressed conservatively at all time. I should never be out with boys, and be home by 10:00pm every night. I should be able to cook and clean the home on top of working my full time job. Ideally, marriage should happen after I finish my bachelors, but absolutely no later than 27. My masters and phD should only happen after I get married because men do not want to marry woman that are too smart.
“Who I am” vs “Who everyone thinks I am” vs “Who I am supposed to be”. These are the internal battles I face everyday. It always, however, ends the same; there is always someone I am not good enough for. That statement includes myself.
"When there is no where else to turn; turn to God. Find guidance in your faith, and trust that nothing can go wrong. It may not give you what you want, but it will give you what you need."
This is Real, This is me….
I feel too much. I think too much. I give too much. I forgive too often.
My mind of pure innocence is my greatest downfall.
I think too highly of people, only to find myself at the end of a one way street when I make mistakes I am unaware of.
I give up. To walk alone is my destiny.
"Rap and Hip-Hop isn't meaningful or complex!"
2Pac: And since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman and our game from a woman, I wonder why we take from our women. Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it's time to kill for our women, time to heal our women, be real to our women. And if we don't we'll have a race of babies that will hate the ladies that make the babies. And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one.Jay-Z: Silly rappers, because we got a couple Porsches, MTV stopped by to film our fortresses. We forget the unfortunate. Sure I ponied up a mill, but I didn't give my time. So in reality I didn't give a dime, or a damn. I just put my monies in the hands of the same people that left my people stranded. Nothin' but a bandit, left them folks abandoned. Damn, that money that we gave was just a band-aid, can't say we better off than we was before.
Kanye West: Is it genocide? 'Cause I can still hear his momma cry, know the family traumatized. Shots left holes in his face, 'bout piranha-size. The old pastor closed the cold casket, and said the church ain’t got enough room for all the tombs. It’s a war going on outside we ain’t safe from, I feel the pain in my city wherever I go. 314 soldiers died in Iraq, 509 died in Chicago.
Mos Def: When the average minimum wage is $5.15, you best believe you gotta find a new grind to get cream. The white unemployment rate, is nearly more than triple for black so frontliners got they gun in your back. Bubblin crack, jewel theft and robbery to combat poverty and end up in the global jail economy. Stiffer stipulations attached to each sentence. Budget cutbacks but increased police presence. And even if you get out of prison still livin join the other five million under state supervision. This is business, no faces just lines and statistics from your phone, your zip code, to S-S-I digits. The system break man child and women into figures. Two columns for who is, and who ain't niggaz. Numbers is hardly real and they never have feelings but you push too hard, even numbers got limits. Why did one straw break the camel's back? Here's the secret: the million other straws underneath it - it's all mathematics
Lupe Fiasco: I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit. Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets. How much money does it take to really make a full clip. 9/11 building 7 did they really pull it. And a bunch of other cover ups. Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts. If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut. The school was garbage in the first place, thats on the up and up. Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust. You get it then they move you so you never keeping up enough. If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the fucks”. Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such. And that aint Jersey Shore, homie thats the news. And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth. Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist. Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit. Thats why I aint vote for him, next one either. I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful. And I believe in the people.
“If you knew who I really was…you could never love me.” -Nikita
I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve neglected my thoughts. I continuously used the excuse that my masochistic lifestyle was the cause, but how much longer can I avoid the truth?
I am alone. As each day passes, I continuously grow more isolated. The list of individuals I once turned to has slowly dwindled; by no choice, but my own. I have begun to question whether or not I have anything to show for my commitment. I have a job I despise, a body I am mortified to look at, mounds of debt, and to top it off, companionship and love cannot penetrate the cell that surrounds my heart.
I attempt to live with the disillusion that I will someday meet someone that will turn this view around, but at the end of the day, I know I am chasing false dreams. Cyrus’ life is not a model for my own. The outcome of his life is what I saw and knew. There are some truths that are self-evident.
Annual New York City Sikh Day Parade 2012
I can’t wait to have a son to dress up like this! Sardar boys. <3
© Ana Villafane Photography 2012
Model: Maninder Matharu
MUA & Hair: Erandeny Torres
I respect son right here.
This dude has a good head on his shoulders. I bet he’d kill a cockroach tho.
Hamdulilah lets do this haha. AWWW lol.
We need more people like this in the world.
He restores my faith in humanity. <3
(Source: dinuguan)
attractive boy: hi i'm gay
attractive boy: hi i'm a douchebag
attractive boy: hi i'm twice your age
attractive boy: hi i have a girlfriend
attractive boy: hi i live halfway across the earth
My Fortune:
My fortune from my cookie said, “You will soon gain something you have always wanted”.
My first thought was that I was finally going to get a puppy.
I am in love with the shoes on the left. Super sexy women, right here.
(Source: lvck)
